Dear Heart, I Can Not Listen

Dear Heart,

Many days, I make the mistake of listening to you.

Maybe it was that long, frustrating day. That dreaded conversation. That fact that I screwed up – again.
Perhaps I didn’t meet that standard. I didn’t do as well as I wanted.
Maybe it’s the frustration of gazing around my house, feeling overwhelmed by the mess I have everywhere and the lack of time or energy to clean it up.
Many times it’s the inability to do anything about a situation. Most times, it’s the fear of being stuck in a place and situation I hate and not knowing how to get out.
Over and over the thoughts roll in.
Just as waves coming in with the tide.
At first, the thoughts drift in as seemingly innocent, rippling one by one towards me. They invite me not to simply stand on the edge of the shore staring into the sea, but to step in and feel the cool water trickling by my feet.
‘Wow, that was dumb.’
‘I can’t believe I said that.’
‘I should have tried harder.’
I listen to the voices and begin walking in, but what I often neglect to see is that the storm of Depression is coming. I ignore the gentle waves because they don’t appear threatening.
But they are the warning – the warning that the tide is coming in.
The warning to turn around and leave. 

But I ignore it.

Instead, I walk farther into the sea, wallowing in the waters of emotion that begin to swell up around me.

That I’m worthless.
That I don’t matter.
That I’ll never be good enough.
The farther I walk, the harder it is for me to hear the calls to turn around and come back to safety. Monstrous waves begin to shove me around, pushing me deeper into the sea.
‘What’s the point?’
‘Why do I bother?’
‘I should just give up.’
I’m now scared.

I’ve realized just how far I am from land, but I don’t know how I’ll ever get back. Waves thrash all around, throwing me in every-which direction. Swimming is useless – just trying to keep my head above water is excruciatingly difficult. “Give up, give up,” the waves scream menacingly.

And I want to. 

I’m tired of trying. It feels like there’s no point. Why bother pushing on when you could give up?

To give in would be so much easier than fighting against what is immensely stronger than me. The depths of the storm screech and my thoughts shriek simultaneously.




I am so weak. My resolve to stay alive is dying.

If it’s all about me, I’m so done and ready to end it all now. 

*                    *                   *

These are the thoughts and the path I so often walk when listening to you, Heart – finding myself suddenly in the middle of the storms of my mind, feelings, and emotions. You call me to follow you, promising that you will give me what is best – you tell me it’s all about “what I think” and “how I feel”.

Heart: you are not to simply be listened to, because you are a deceiver. You want me to listen to my feelings, and for me to make them my lifelines. But they don’t satisfy – they don’t point me to truth. It’s a road of relativism where nothing really matters.

Where I don’t matter.

Heart, you must be taught what to think and how to feel. My emotions and feelings are simply to be guidelines – ways to help me see if you, Heart, are lining up with what God tells me: truth. 

What is that truth?
That I am priceless.
That I do matter in God’s eyes.

That I don’t have to be good enough.

That You never leave or abandon me.

That You have a reason and purpose for me, and everything that touches me. 

That You love me. 

I may want to give in to the feelings you seek to convince me of, Heart, but I know that I can’t base my life on something so fickle. I must base every thought and every action on truth.

As a Christian, God has given me a whole book in which He tells me who am I and His love for me – and the price Jesus paid in order to redeem me. Why would Jesus sacrifice His life for something He would flippantly abandon?

Dear Heart: I can not – and will not – listen to your lies when I have can rest in the infinitely better truth. 



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